IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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