I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
