It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
