I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
