I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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