Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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