Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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