Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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