Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
