The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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