i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
