He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
