You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
