As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
