his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
