I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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