I am puke
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
