If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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