I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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