Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Couch. On fire.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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