I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
