today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
