The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I need moral support for this bender
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
