hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Are my feet made of real feet?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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