She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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