Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
where am i from again
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
