who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
