Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My penis needs a shock collar
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
