I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize