Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
