I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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