I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
