I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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