We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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