Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize