his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
