mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
