you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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