she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I am one with the molecules
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
