Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
