dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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