Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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