I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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