As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
