Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
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