I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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