I just threw up on my dentist
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
