So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
