Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
