I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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