On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
