Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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