every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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