He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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