As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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