No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
