I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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