either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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