I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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