I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
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