your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
