do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It was confusing and full of hummus
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
