she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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