i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
