At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
