I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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