she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This show inspires me to have sex in space
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
