Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
