so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
