I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
