Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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