youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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