So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize