just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
