Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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