Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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