My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
